The following are from a little book called “Disorder in the Court.”
They’re things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son–the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
—–
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
—–
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
—–
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
—–
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
—–
Q: Did he kill you?
—–
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
—–
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
—–
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
—–
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
—–
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
—–
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
—–
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
—–
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
—–
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
—–
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
—–
Judge: “Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I’ve decided to give your wife 5 a week.”
Husband: “That’s fair, your honor. I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
