Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word cordless, ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those words:
“Bob, do you still have that cordless what-ch-ma-call-it?”
“Hey George, can I borrow your RATCHET?”
“By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch SOCKET yet?”
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car – especially anything that attaches to or sits on either the front dash board, or – in a truck – on the back window. One of those cheap little round compass things, or anything that plugs into the cigarette lighter. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes!
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones so worn out that you cannot tell any longer what they control. Men always know what it controls – no one knows why. Any remote control will do – for the TV, the VCR, the stereo, the house lights (be careful of this one), or the kitchen appliances (really be careful of this one, ’cause he’s out of his league here).
Rule #6: Do not buy a real man anything that even resembles in shape, color, or smell something that could possibly used by a woman. However, in private, keep on eye on your own deodorant just for a woman. This is definitely a contradiction, but no one knows why.
Rule #7: Buy men label makers. This is almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Windows. Cups (he goes big time for cups). Jars (really look out for this one). Kitchen utensils (what’s wrong with this picture?). Door handles. Pictures. TV’s and stereos – he can spend days on these alone. Anything that catches his eye. You get the idea.
No one knows why.
Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. You know why, but he doesn’t have a clue.
Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Home Depot, any hardware store – every hardware store, any computer or electronics store – if both beware. NAPA Auto Parts and Sears’ Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”
Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook. But they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank, and a five gallon can of fire starter. Be sure to stand at least 100 yards away when he lights this sucker, and keep a special first aid kit nearby.
Rule #11: Tickets to just about any professional sports game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to the local opera, so don’t even think about it. He knows why, but you don’t.
Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw – or anything that is a self powered cutting instrument. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13: If you want to, buy him an apron for working in the garage, or doing his hobbies. But, under no circumstances and in any way should you refer to it as an “apron”. He knows why, but won’t tell you.
Rule #14: Buy him rope. Men love rope. It takes him back to his pioneer days, at least that’s why he will tell you right after watching a John Wayne or a Rambo movie. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ rope – or even better yet, an assortment of different kinds of rope – the more kinds the better. No one knows why.
