Maybe this will spur some of you to make some changes, and maybe need to get real.
1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
4. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
5. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
6. Is there another word for synonym?
7. Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?
8. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
9. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
10. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
11. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
12. Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
13. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
14. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
15. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
16. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…GO FIGURE!
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
18. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
19. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
20. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
21. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
22. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they were cramming for their finals.
23. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
24. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do…write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
25. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
26. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
27. Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA – I came, I saw, I shopped.
28. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
29. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
30. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
31. Clones are people two.
32. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
33. Go ahead and take risks….just be sure that everything will turnout OK.
34. Strange! No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
35. As I said before, I never repeat myself!
36. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
37. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zig-zag?
38. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
39. Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.
40. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
41. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
42. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
43. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
44. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
45. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”
46. So what’s the speed of dark?
47. How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
48. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
49. Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
50. If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
51. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
52. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
53. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
54. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
55. Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
56. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
57. Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
58. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
59. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
60. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
61. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
62. Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
63. Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
64. Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
65. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
66. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
67. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
68. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
69. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
70. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss??
71. Do fish get cramps after eating?
72. Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
73. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
74. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
75. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
76. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
77. Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
78. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
79. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
80. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
81. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
82. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
83. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
84. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
85. Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?
86. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
87. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
88. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
89. Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
90. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
91. A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals. (Dim Wit)
92. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
93. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
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